Hello there chilluns. It’s been two weeks. I have been in bed for two weeks mulling over the National Championship game. I would still be there, but the artificial cheese dust from the puffy cheetohs i was subsisting on had begun to cause an allergic reaction with my retinas (wiping tears from one’s eyes and eating artificial cheese powder products are a dangerous combo – tell your family).
I was on my way to the store to purchase more artificial cow inhalants when i noticed everyone wouldn’t stop talking about the big new super crazy NBA story; ANDREI KIRILENKO HAS STOPPED USING HAIRGEL. I was so befuddled that I accidently bought real cheese! GROSS!
Andrei Kirilenko, or AK-47 as his parents call him, is widely regarded as the best looking professional basketball player on the planet. He is so good looking, people used to tell him he looked just like me. When informed of this, he’d usually say, “The cheese puff kid? Awesomeski!” Well 2,345,876 cheese balls, 50 pounds and a whole lot of root beer has defeated our doppelganger qualities, however, I still hold a special place for him in my CDL (cheesy deliciousness lipoprotein) cholesterol encrusted heart.
Much of his charm was based on his razor sharp bangs pointed skyward, unwaveringly supported by some potion of the gods. This is where his nickname AK-47 actually originated, not from his initials and his jersey number of 47 (dummies), but because the hair shading his forehead was as deadly to human flesh as a moderately priced machine gun. Now he has abandoned this potion??? I was concerned to say the least.
Through a variety of means of internet sleuthing I have uncovered the truth about AK’s unfortunate de-gelification.
Hair fully extended Andrei makes yet another shot
The gel that Andrei used was called Skarutsuk Nahmber Sehventee Tooh. SN-72 was made atop a volcano at the southern tip of Kamchatka, and unlike the territory from the popular board game Risk, it is NOT easily acquired. The factory is a relic from the cold war. The commanders wanted a grooming product that could withstand a nuclear attack and emerge from nuclear winter standing high and proud against the tyranny of capitalism. After 71 tries they almost gave up, then in the winter of 1971 (a particularly harsh one) with Nuclear War seemingly right around the corner, whales began to wash ashore near the secret salon volcano laboratory. A frustrated scientist cut off some whale meat to make a whale and moss sandwich (acquired taste, but delicious) and brought it back to the SSVL. In his careless gluttony, a piece of his whalewich dropped into a beaker of trial gel, known as SN-72. No one had noticed this late addition to the hair care blend, but when they applied it to the head of the next science slave, fresh from the gulag, it was clear that something powerful and strange was afoot. The slave burst from his chains and leaped towards the door. Luckily the bears keeping guard caught him before the traitorous fool could run off to the Americans with the secret, and he was promptly tossed into the volcano for his crimes. His body melted, but his hair, his hair remained. It took only a short while before the final ingredient was discovered to be whale. THE RUSSIANS HAD WON THE FASHION RACE.
AK woefully explains how he manages to go on living
For many years, the toughest and noblest comrades of the United Soviet Socialist Republic proudly donned a gleaming mat of super stiff hair. The rest of the world’s men were no match for these few who had traveled to that frightening peninsula. Even after the fall of communism their overall domination of other dudes was deemed the one true success of the great red experiment. That was until this past September when Skarutsuk secret salon volcano laboratory made it’s last canister.
Why would such an intimidating and formidable grooming ointment ever stop being produced you ask? Two words.
That’s right, crappy reality television has shit all over something else beautiful. Upright, Proud, invincible Aryan hair has fallen victim to the trend of sissy environmentalists and worthless animal rights advocates. We must band together and stop this nonsense. For Andrei, and vicariously, me.
"If I can change, and he can change, then we can stop watching crappy TV"
The Biggest Story of the NBA season thus far.
delicious and deadly
Hello there chilluns. It’s been two weeks. I have been in bed for two weeks mulling over the National Championship game. I would still be there, but the artificial cheese dust from the puffy cheetohs i was subsisting on had begun to cause an allergic reaction with my retinas (wiping tears from one’s eyes and eating artificial cheese powder products are a dangerous combo – tell your family).
I was on my way to the store to purchase more artificial cow inhalants when i noticed everyone wouldn’t stop talking about the big new super crazy NBA story; ANDREI KIRILENKO HAS STOPPED USING HAIRGEL. I was so befuddled that I accidently bought real cheese! GROSS!
Andrei Kirilenko, or AK-47 as his parents call him, is widely regarded as the best looking professional basketball player on the planet. He is so good looking, people used to tell him he looked just like me. When informed of this, he’d usually say, “The cheese puff kid? Awesomeski!” Well 2,345,876 cheese balls, 50 pounds and a whole lot of root beer has defeated our doppelganger qualities, however, I still hold a special place for him in my CDL (cheesy deliciousness lipoprotein) cholesterol encrusted heart.
Much of his charm was based on his razor sharp bangs pointed skyward, unwaveringly supported by some potion of the gods. This is where his nickname AK-47 actually originated, not from his initials and his jersey number of 47 (dummies), but because the hair shading his forehead was as deadly to human flesh as a moderately priced machine gun. Now he has abandoned this potion??? I was concerned to say the least.
Through a variety of means of internet sleuthing I have uncovered the truth about AK’s unfortunate de-gelification.
Hair fully extended Andrei makes yet another shot
The gel that Andrei used was called Skarutsuk Nahmber Sehventee Tooh. SN-72 was made atop a volcano at the southern tip of Kamchatka, and unlike the territory from the popular board game Risk, it is NOT easily acquired. The factory is a relic from the cold war. The commanders wanted a grooming product that could withstand a nuclear attack and emerge from nuclear winter standing high and proud against the tyranny of capitalism. After 71 tries they almost gave up, then in the winter of 1971 (a particularly harsh one) with Nuclear War seemingly right around the corner, whales began to wash ashore near the secret salon volcano laboratory. A frustrated scientist cut off some whale meat to make a whale and moss sandwich (acquired taste, but delicious) and brought it back to the SSVL. In his careless gluttony, a piece of his whalewich dropped into a beaker of trial gel, known as SN-72. No one had noticed this late addition to the hair care blend, but when they applied it to the head of the next science slave, fresh from the gulag, it was clear that something powerful and strange was afoot. The slave burst from his chains and leaped towards the door. Luckily the bears keeping guard caught him before the traitorous fool could run off to the Americans with the secret, and he was promptly tossed into the volcano for his crimes. His body melted, but his hair, his hair remained. It took only a short while before the final ingredient was discovered to be whale. THE RUSSIANS HAD WON THE FASHION RACE.
AK woefully explains how he manages to go on living
For many years, the toughest and noblest comrades of the United Soviet Socialist Republic proudly donned a gleaming mat of super stiff hair. The rest of the world’s men were no match for these few who had traveled to that frightening peninsula. Even after the fall of communism their overall domination of other dudes was deemed the one true success of the great red experiment. That was until this past September when Skarutsuk secret salon volcano laboratory made it’s last canister.
Why would such an intimidating and formidable grooming ointment ever stop being produced you ask? Two words.
Whale Wars.
That’s right, crappy reality television has shit all over something else beautiful. Upright, Proud, invincible Aryan hair has fallen victim to the trend of sissy environmentalists and worthless animal rights advocates. We must band together and stop this nonsense. For Andrei, and vicariously, me.
"If I can change, and he can change, then we can stop watching crappy TV"