In honor of my final day of work here in New Braunfels, a poem:
Your townies are sad
Your fake German culture is ‘wurst
Schlitterbahn sucks brat’
Forgive me if I forget to notice passing exits 184-187 for the rest of my life.
Mixtape
I made a “Best of” mixtape for the year ending 2009! You should download it and listen to it while you read about a whole bunch of depressing shit below…..or just download it and listen to it.
I’d be lying if I said I stayed hip to all these songs as they were released. I basically downloaded the best of lists from several prominent blogs, and filtered out what I enjoyed the most until I cracked the soon to be trivial 80 minute mark. YOU SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU?
I thought it needed color....
The Wire
I finished watching the final episode of the Wire last night at 2:30am. Like Peter, I can say with confidence that it is the best show I’ve ever seen.
In the criminal justice system, television shows are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the shit, which is all over every channel; and the good stuff, of which there is very little and usually reserved for HBO. The Wire is one of these latter stories.
US Politics
The past 2 years, I have taken it upon myself to become a grown up and really get to know the issues and what we are doing about them. Worst fucking idea I’ve ever had. In this case, without a doubt, ignorance is bliss.
Every republican has fought tooth and nail to oppose just about everything (the healthcare bill being the big one) Obama proposes and puts towards congress. Obama attempts compromise and working with both parties. Now at the year anniversary of Obama’s tenure in office, all the conservative mouth pieces say things like, “compromises too easily” and “is a failure for not getting the health care bill through”. Say what? You won’t unlock the door, and your dogging the guy for knocking? Eat shit and die. And for Fox News where every one says, “He really hasn’t done anything in the last year” or “He lied on every promise” Just because you don’t report it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Check it. Wow, that’s a lot of promises kept and compromises, and this from a generally conservative newspaper! Also, ask yourself how many of the “Stalled” and “Promise Broken” are due to direct republican opposition (ie. the health care bill) and reversal of plans due to the recovery plan (ie. anything with the words “wall street”), respectively.
Also, quick note to Scott Brown (who drives a truck, and was also elected to fill the seat left by Ted Kennedy): The reason a lot of your new constituents don’t want universal health care for the whole country is because every jackass in the state of Massachusetts already has universal health care, but thanks for thinking about the rest of us Massholes! That’s right, Massachusetts provides its citizens with Health Care. What a novel idea!
Haiti and Paul Shirley
Sad, sad stuff. As usual the Big Picture brings it right to your face. 1, 2, 3, 4.
Now the days after this happened my facebook was blowing up with stuff about Haiti, most of it being stuff like: “Praying so hard for Haiti right now” “Haiti needs our prayers y’all”. I find statements like this frustrating.
So there’s God, and he knows Haiti is about to get ripped up. Is He sitting there with his hand on the cancel button waiting for some prayers to come through? “Well ok, no prayers for Haiti today, guess they gonna die”. But afterwards all the prayers come, and God’s like, “Whoa whoa, my bad, it’s aight tho, I’m hella merciful, I’ll go ahead and keep that death toll down to a paltry 200,000. You guys shoulda prayed yesterday, I woulda just fucked up Jakarta instead.”
Also, why do people feel the need to post that? Are they letting God know that they are praying. IS GOD ON FACEBOOK? I think the more likely reason is people are trying to project an image of being a thoughtful and caring person. We are all real impressed.
What kind of God would operate this way? Is He really basing his decisions upon the prayers of wealthy white people 1000s of miles away, completely irrelevant to the problem (that He knew was going to happen)? “Well the cries of that poor woman with the house collapsed on her torso were touching, but the prayers over at MegaChurchalot 9 in Highland Park really pushed me over the edge, I’ll allow 15 more mothers to survive. These old people can have some crackers too.”
Or how about this one? “My dad and I are going down there as soon as we can”. Oh yea, that’s what they need. A couple of chunky suburbanites slathering on sun screen and getting tetanus shots every 2 days. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FATTY? INSTALL A SEWER SYSTEM FOR THE CITY OF PORT AU PRINCE? No you can’t do that, but I bet you can take 1,000 pictures of yourself smiling with starving infants.
Ok, so now that you and God hate me, let’s find someone we can all hate together. Paul Shirley. At one time my friend Kiran and I really liked this guy. He was a perpetual 14th-15th man in the NBA who blogged about life on the road with the best players in the world. Even though we were not much closer to his skill level and physical gifts than to LeBron’s, his forced humility and easy writing style made him accessible for guys like us.
His accessibility began to wane as soon as he gave up on the NBA. I guess he had nothing better to do than whine about music, and he did so endlessly. Mostly on the topic of Beatles or Radiohead vs. Oasis. Basically he would gobble-gallagher-gonads. Never trust anyone who thinks Oasis is better than the Beatles. You are allowed to be just skeptical of those who prefer them to Radiohead, but keep a watchful eye. Also, the guy gave a recap of his ACL experience this past year, and went to bed alone with no friends at 11pm on his first ever visit to Austin. Really? No desire whatsoever to go out and meet the 500k young people dropped in here? You made $750k a year for like 6 years! You can rule these streets!
So I was pretty much done with him after all that….then he wrote this.
Dear Haitians –
First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded.
As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation offlimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?
Sincerely,
The Rest of the World
Wow. What a piece of garbage. It’s like he has no grasp of history.
20 years ago, did all the people in the world sit down to play a game called “Earth”, and all the Haitians were like, “Let’s go here and make it real shitty!!”???? No ass hammer, that is not what happened.
The reason why it’s our responsibility, Paul Shirley, is because WE made them this way. Our forefathers, in the process of making our country real rich and awesome (which you had nothing to do with) started a slave trade and dumped tons of poor captured Africans in the middle of a foreign sea. Then when colonialism was waning, the slaves killed nearly all the white people, because well, wouldn’t you? Then somehow through some twisted diplomacy, the French convinced the Haitians to give them all their money. Then the United States (yes, your bad ass USA, with its building codes, indoor plumbing and prophylactics) took over before WW1 because we were afraid the Germans would camp out there. We actually did a decent job until our irrational fear of communism (see: Iraq, Vietnam, Afghanistan, etc.) caused us to support some terrible homicidal maniacs to run the place. They haven’t recovered since.
Paul Shirley, I hope you get stuck in an elevator and starve to death while a maddening recorder and bongo version of “Hey Jude” is stuck on repeat in the elevator’s muzak system.
WSM?
I’m sure this is exactly the serious crap our buddy Brian is looking to get advertised in….but WhoShotMamba? is almost over, and I haven’t posted a link in a while. Here are the two most recent chapters:
Chapter 8
Chapter 9 – the SportsCentury feel this one has cracks me up
the ass hammer falls surely shirley has a place in hell, lest we pray
we do see what you do for us bjorn. my hard-drive is only 35 gigs so i never put music on my computer but somehow the tunes from this god forsaken blog end up making it in and making up over half my disc space. for that i say thanks.
i don't follow the wire, but i do follow this thing and thing and if you could take your "what kind of god would do this" argument to the desk of your old man and get a little dialouge going... oowee, that be a hell of a read. we can't ask you to compromise a relationship for the sake of a story but we can lead you to water, you know?
Essence Atkins
Was that a haiku? I thought the second line was supposed to have only 7 syllables. Based on some of your writing, I'm guessing it might be a high-ku? ;)
nrojb
Are you the actress best known for playing the role of Dee Dee Thorne on the UPN sitcom Half and Half?
tank
your post has made me speechless. thanks for the afternoon mental break. - t
Smorgasbord. Mish-mash. Gallimaufry.
Get ready, here we go:
In honor of my final day of work here in New Braunfels, a poem:
Your townies are sad
Your fake German culture is ‘wurst
Schlitterbahn sucks brat’
Forgive me if I forget to notice passing exits 184-187 for the rest of my life.
Mixtape
I made a “Best of” mixtape for the year ending 2009! You should download it and listen to it while you read about a whole bunch of depressing shit below…..or just download it and listen to it.
I’d be lying if I said I stayed hip to all these songs as they were released. I basically downloaded the best of lists from several prominent blogs, and filtered out what I enjoyed the most until I cracked the soon to be trivial 80 minute mark. YOU SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU?
I thought it needed color....
The Wire
I finished watching the final episode of the Wire last night at 2:30am. Like Peter, I can say with confidence that it is the best show I’ve ever seen.
In the criminal justice system, television shows are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the shit, which is all over every channel; and the good stuff, of which there is very little and usually reserved for HBO. The Wire is one of these latter stories.
US Politics
The past 2 years, I have taken it upon myself to become a grown up and really get to know the issues and what we are doing about them. Worst fucking idea I’ve ever had. In this case, without a doubt, ignorance is bliss.
Every republican has fought tooth and nail to oppose just about everything (the healthcare bill being the big one) Obama proposes and puts towards congress. Obama attempts compromise and working with both parties. Now at the year anniversary of Obama’s tenure in office, all the conservative mouth pieces say things like, “compromises too easily” and “is a failure for not getting the health care bill through”. Say what? You won’t unlock the door, and your dogging the guy for knocking? Eat shit and die. And for Fox News where every one says, “He really hasn’t done anything in the last year” or “He lied on every promise” Just because you don’t report it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Check it. Wow, that’s a lot of promises kept and compromises, and this from a generally conservative newspaper! Also, ask yourself how many of the “Stalled” and “Promise Broken” are due to direct republican opposition (ie. the health care bill) and reversal of plans due to the recovery plan (ie. anything with the words “wall street”), respectively.
Also, quick note to Scott Brown (who drives a truck, and was also elected to fill the seat left by Ted Kennedy): The reason a lot of your new constituents don’t want universal health care for the whole country is because every jackass in the state of Massachusetts already has universal health care, but thanks for thinking about the rest of us Massholes! That’s right, Massachusetts provides its citizens with Health Care. What a novel idea!
Haiti and Paul Shirley
Sad, sad stuff. As usual the Big Picture brings it right to your face. 1, 2, 3, 4.
Now the days after this happened my facebook was blowing up with stuff about Haiti, most of it being stuff like: “Praying so hard for Haiti right now” “Haiti needs our prayers y’all”. I find statements like this frustrating.
So there’s God, and he knows Haiti is about to get ripped up. Is He sitting there with his hand on the cancel button waiting for some prayers to come through? “Well ok, no prayers for Haiti today, guess they gonna die”. But afterwards all the prayers come, and God’s like, “Whoa whoa, my bad, it’s aight tho, I’m hella merciful, I’ll go ahead and keep that death toll down to a paltry 200,000. You guys shoulda prayed yesterday, I woulda just fucked up Jakarta instead.”
Also, why do people feel the need to post that? Are they letting God know that they are praying. IS GOD ON FACEBOOK? I think the more likely reason is people are trying to project an image of being a thoughtful and caring person. We are all real impressed.
What kind of God would operate this way? Is He really basing his decisions upon the prayers of wealthy white people 1000s of miles away, completely irrelevant to the problem (that He knew was going to happen)? “Well the cries of that poor woman with the house collapsed on her torso were touching, but the prayers over at MegaChurchalot 9 in Highland Park really pushed me over the edge, I’ll allow 15 more mothers to survive. These old people can have some crackers too.”
Or how about this one? “My dad and I are going down there as soon as we can”. Oh yea, that’s what they need. A couple of chunky suburbanites slathering on sun screen and getting tetanus shots every 2 days. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FATTY? INSTALL A SEWER SYSTEM FOR THE CITY OF PORT AU PRINCE? No you can’t do that, but I bet you can take 1,000 pictures of yourself smiling with starving infants.
Ok, so now that you and God hate me, let’s find someone we can all hate together. Paul Shirley. At one time my friend Kiran and I really liked this guy. He was a perpetual 14th-15th man in the NBA who blogged about life on the road with the best players in the world. Even though we were not much closer to his skill level and physical gifts than to LeBron’s, his forced humility and easy writing style made him accessible for guys like us.
His accessibility began to wane as soon as he gave up on the NBA. I guess he had nothing better to do than whine about music, and he did so endlessly. Mostly on the topic of Beatles or Radiohead vs. Oasis. Basically he would gobble-gallagher-gonads. Never trust anyone who thinks Oasis is better than the Beatles. You are allowed to be just skeptical of those who prefer them to Radiohead, but keep a watchful eye. Also, the guy gave a recap of his ACL experience this past year, and went to bed alone with no friends at 11pm on his first ever visit to Austin. Really? No desire whatsoever to go out and meet the 500k young people dropped in here? You made $750k a year for like 6 years! You can rule these streets!
So I was pretty much done with him after all that….then he wrote this.
Wow. What a piece of garbage. It’s like he has no grasp of history.
20 years ago, did all the people in the world sit down to play a game called “Earth”, and all the Haitians were like, “Let’s go here and make it real shitty!!”???? No ass hammer, that is not what happened.
The reason why it’s our responsibility, Paul Shirley, is because WE made them this way. Our forefathers, in the process of making our country real rich and awesome (which you had nothing to do with) started a slave trade and dumped tons of poor captured Africans in the middle of a foreign sea. Then when colonialism was waning, the slaves killed nearly all the white people, because well, wouldn’t you? Then somehow through some twisted diplomacy, the French convinced the Haitians to give them all their money. Then the United States (yes, your bad ass USA, with its building codes, indoor plumbing and prophylactics) took over before WW1 because we were afraid the Germans would camp out there. We actually did a decent job until our irrational fear of communism (see: Iraq, Vietnam, Afghanistan, etc.) caused us to support some terrible homicidal maniacs to run the place. They haven’t recovered since.
Paul Shirley, I hope you get stuck in an elevator and starve to death while a maddening recorder and bongo version of “Hey Jude” is stuck on repeat in the elevator’s muzak system.
WSM?
I’m sure this is exactly the serious crap our buddy Brian is looking to get advertised in….but WhoShotMamba? is almost over, and I haven’t posted a link in a while. Here are the two most recent chapters:
Chapter 8
Chapter 9 – the SportsCentury feel this one has cracks me up