looks like owen wilson

you were a cool dude.

things that lasted on the dvr my college roommates and i kept throughout a 3 year period:

- that wonder showzen where they find liquid imagination

- 2005 National Championship game, and it skips every time vince scores bc 60 people were jumping up and down in our living room

- A 3 video slice of vh1′s I love the 90s that included: Naughty By Nature, A Tribe Called Quest, and Digital Underground. If between 8 and 30 people were over, I was putting that shit on.

-Rules of Attraction, maybe one of the best movies ever to watch past 2am, may as well watch a movie with a timeline as distorted as your consciousness. rock n roll.

-This gorillaz concert.

Here i go talking about me, let’s get back to D-Hop

what a classic. i hope they cremate him in a flaming bus that flies off the highway.

ps. I’m leaving for europe in a week. That will serve as a severance between myself and the site. I’ll stick one pretty big rant next week, get out the negativity before I go a wanderin’. It’ll be humorous, don’t worry.

The Sports Guy

It’s over man, I’m sorry.

I’m tired of your formulaic ways.

I’m tired of you over hyping fan anguish. “The fans have struggled for so long…..years of anguish….blah blah blah.” Either your team is good and you watch, or your team sucks and you probably watch some other teams. Perennial playoff teams that have never won a title; Do you really expect me to believe that the lives of the fans in those cities is so much worse off than those in some city whose team never goes to the playoffs? Those fans get to watch their team for more games, in more meaningful situations, boosting the economy of the local businesses and diverting national  media attention towards their home. Everyone wins, even if you lose.

I’m tired of you making a numbered list and somehow because of this you covered everything there is to be said about that subject.

There are 4 types of players.,

1.

…

4.

There are only 6 ways to win a game.

1.

…

6.

Really? no gray areas. Just bc you make a stupid list doesn’t mean the case is closed. You know when people say, “there are two types of people in this world, those that love Burt Bacharach, and those that don’t”? That’s a joke, because it’s fucking stupid to break things down so narrowly. Plus everyone loves Burt Bacharach.

I’m pretty sure you can’t enjoy a game without choosing a side, and if you can’t enjoy choosing a side, you have to bet on it in order to force yourself to choose a side. You aren’t a true sports fans, because you can’t enjoy the game for what it is. Something has to be on the line. You are like my mom and my girlfriend(s), who always ask, “Who do you want to win?” every time I try to watch a game. I want as many awesome plays as possible, I want quadruple over time, I just want the game to never end. You, you have to manufacture story lines, and throw down cash in order to create a false sense of drama. You watch sports like a woman. The game doesn’t need all the bullshit. The game should be enough in and of itself. That’s why you watch all those shitty reality shows: manufactured bull shit drama.

You taught me a lot about pop culture, you introduced to me to Ronald Jenkees and you always rep’d Vince Young and Kevin Durant (hook ‘em), for that I thank you, but it’s time for me to move on.

1. he is grabbing 1/4 of all rebounds when he is on the floor in the bucks – hawks series, but you aren’t watching that series so…yea. the bucks are getting owned btw.

LOL, my name is bjorn, and I love the NBA.

2. jj hickson has played 2.5 minutes in the bulls series. 2.5 minutes???? the cavs got straight out hustled last night and this young fella, who played about as good a robin for lebron as one could ever ask, ALL YEAR, gets 2.5 minutes over 3 games??? mike brown is the worst. he better have a shrine to lebron in his home, bc he would be unemployed without him.

speaking of lebron and the cavs, their lack of any great 1 v 1 defenders was readily apparent last night. good near the basket defense sure, but heinrich, rose, and deng (kinda) can all hit the mid range well, and there is really not much you can do to help there. It is up to the defender to stay close, don’t jump and keep his hands up. No one on the cavs is doing that! especially lebron. henirich, deng, and rose each got him jumping.

3. meanwhile in the middle of nowhere….durant blocks kobe in a huuuuge possession. Take note King, while rose and heinrich were sending you flying on fakes, KD was blocking Kobe. The cavs and lakers are two fabulous defensive teams, but you have to respect what the lakers are doing to the thunder. The cavs need to be watching the way kobe and artest play d. they never jump, they never allow the offensive guy to go anywhere with out a hand on the hip. The focus it takes to play that kind of defense is incredible. I am enjoying watching these two series immensely. Young players, old players, exciting players. Tons of trash talk. Artest is fucking nuts. Noah is hilarious.

4. No one really expected the Blazers to win, did they? Yawn fest. I hope the Suns hit 140 before that’s over.

5. Magic/Bobcats. Triple Yawn.

6. The Heat offense is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. Not even yawning, dead.

at least you still have your looks Mr. Wade

7. Jazz – Nuggets. Two wounded teams with a lot of heart, battling. Good stuff. The two teams are opposites; the jazz run a structured offense, the nuggets just go ballin’. The Jazz keep their cool and the Nuggets be yellin’ an shit. The nuggs are down a coach, while the Jazz are down 2 starters. No idea what is going to happen. This I do know: Kenyon, Carmelo and J.R. Smith doing a crossword puzzle would be humorous.

8. Texas Series: Ah yes, the nba playoffs, when my dallas friends who haven’t watched basketball all year get to brush off their “Basketball expert” hats, my houston friends start talking about next year (or 1994, depending how drunk they are), and i watch the tv through the space between my fingers, wishing I smoked cigarettes  so I would stop chewing on my hand.

The spurs are looking balanced, and when they play the right personnel, look smooth. Manu is playing well. I don’t really like talking about the Spurs. As long as they cut down on turnovers and don’t play mason jr. or bogans, I’m happy.

Don't be dumb Tullos

The mavs have improved greatly on defense, mostly thanks to the big trade trade and coaching of rick carlisle. A line up that includes Dirk, Haywood and Butler for them is devastating (this word has it’s roots in “bad stars”, just learned that) not only in the defensive paint but on the offensive glass. When the spurs’ 1st and 2nd big men are a combined 75 years old and 3rd and 4th are Matt “My arms are stuck like this” Bonner and DeJuan “Why’d you put the honey so high, I’m only 6’7?” Bear, offensive rebounding is a big worry.  A couple of things have been working in the spurs favor in this department: 1) Haywood still doesn’t start and gets into early foul trouble, sending/leaving in erik dampLOL 2) dirk has been playing far from the basket at both ends.

Number 2) there leads me into my next subject. Dirk was obviously amazing in Game 1. When Dirk wasn’t shooting (and making) caron butler was taking the same shots and making them. However, I don’t see how the Mavs can honestly expect to win with out some real cuts to the basket. Kidd can hit any pass, but Butler, Dirk, and Terry are too willing to just sit outside. Great if you make them, but as game 2 showed, if you don’t, your odds for offensive rebounds decrease, and you don’t get McDyess and Duncan in foul trouble. Butler should be making off the ball cuts, bc dirk and terry simply can’t. Butler getting to the rim is the key to this series for me. Unless Dirk shoots 100% again, and then FUCK IT.

A More Perfect Union

Titus Andronicus | MySpace Music Videos

Kramer in the back of Rango when they were both young and shiny

Rango’s tenure is easily demarcated in our family’s memory because my dad purchased it right before he married his second wife, Ingeborg. Being ever logical, we drove his brand new truck from Schulenburg,TX to Mankato, MN in freakin January for the wedding. I know what you are thinking, “Where are those towns?” “Who gets married in January in Minnesota?” Well they are both on the way to somewhere, I assure you, and that’s just my dad. I guess you don’t know how a car really runs until you drive it 2,000 miles through the snow. Well played old man. From that moment on, Rango knew the kinda shit he was in for.

My Dad and Ingeborg made another acquisition along the same timeline – the good dog Kramer went to live with them in Schulenburg. He was a very loving, very quiet, very dumb black lab with a head the size of a beach ball. When he and Rango met, it was love at first sight. They went everywhere together. From year 4 through 14 of Kramer’s life, from the time he could levitate into the closed bed to the time his hind legs were failing him and he had to be lifted in, Kramer loved riding on Rango’s back. Nary an FM road in all of coryell, colorado, fayette or lampasas counties went unexplored by my Dad, his truck, and his dog.

My dad and Kramer the morning after a night atop Enchanted Rock

The time came when Kramer wasn’t Kramer anymore and eventually he passed. He took one more ride in Rango’s bed out to a friend’s land, where his gigantic skull now rests. That very same day some passing motorists offered my dad $1,500 for Rango, way above market value for a 10 year old truck with 240k + miles. My dad declined because he couldn’t say goodbye to both of his most loyal companions in such proximity.

That turned out to be an excellent decision because Rango kept kicking out miles, and even got a new friend to ferry. A beautiful Red-golden retriever named Addison (Addie) joined the club 3 years ago. While she was a bit more skiddish about high speed travel than Kramer was, Addie enjoyed many a country jaunt.

Addie in rare Central Texas snow

Recently Addie hurt herself severely and lacked the alertness she formerly possessed. In the outrageous windstorms of this past weekend, the back gate was jarred open and she took to wandering. My dad and Rango looked all over for their companion, but while searching the truck got stuck in the mud. The engine burned out in an effort to escape (neither my dad nor rango quite understood the term “four wheel drive”). Not long after the mechanic woefully shook his head in regards to rango, did my pops get a call from animal control that Addie had been struck and killed while crossing highway 190.

At least Rango will never have to travel another mile without a good dog on her back.

Mad Props T, Mad Props

Welp, Avatar didn’t win Best Picture, which for some reason I was actually concerned about. I am confident that when that movie comes out on video, and everyone watches it at home on their regular tvs, people will come to the same conclusion I have: Sigourney Weaver kinda already looks and acts like a cat mantis. I’m pretty sure they just painted her blue.

Ol’ Duder won himself an oscar too. Not too shabby. Obviously, he is an actor.

The American Jihadists

“War on Terror” has been a popular buzz phrase for our operations in the Middle East and abroad. The phrase was concocted in reaction to the accusation that America was declaring war on the Muslim world. The phrase showed that,  no, we are declaring war on the action of terrorism, a “hate the sin, not the sinner” kind of thing.

Recent events call this phrase back into view. A few weeks ago a man flew a plane into an IRS branch here in Austin and last thursday another man opened fire at the Pentagon. Attacking a government building during operating hours with an intent to kill whomever happened to be around; that kind of unfocused rage can only be described as terrorism.

After these attacks we have learned that these men were vocal (on the internet and in person) anti-government types.  Just as men in caves a world away send out messages of hate filled bile across the internet through video, audio, and written word, so too did these men voice their hatred of the American Government.

A petri dish of hate

So if these men committed acts of terror, however clumsily, are we at war with their ilk? Quite plainly, we are not. It has become fashionable to be feverishly anti-federal. Stories about people shamelessly brandishing firearms at political rallies, constant portrayal of our leaders not as fellow countrymen on the other side of a idealogical line but as evil beings closer to devil than human; even if they are constitutionally protected, these ideas are dangerous. The parallel between radical Islam, radical libertarian-tea party, radical anything is becoming easier to draw. While most members of these groups certainly won’t act, nor do they intend to, as they grow in intensity, number and emotion there are certain inevitabilities. The wrong people will become inspired, and terrible things will happen.

If we are really fighting a “war on terror”, it is time to investigate the extremists in every corner, else change the name of the war to “War on those who hate the west from this certain area of the world”. Islamic jihadists aren’t that much different than our own nuts here at home, they’ve just been pissed off for longer and have had more practice. Oh yea, they are a lot less fat and don’t have air conditioning, cars, and nice televisions.

Lots of thoughts on the NBA coming soon. Everyone think about my wordily adept partner Peter this week, it is the week of fruition for him and all the  other employees over at SXSW, so he is going to be living the life of an under appreciated rock star for a little while. Let’s hope he gets laid and no one punches him in the face any harder than I used to. As hard as I used to punch him, not…never mind.

not even 8 blades can cut away the shame

Right off the bat I gotta say all the criticism of the press conference itself, who was invited, why he didn’t answer questions, etc., is preposterous. Is there some sort of post coitus press conference code I don’t know about that he was supposed to adhere to? These freakin’ writers, “If I had cheated on my wife with 22 women over the course of 5 years, I would have done my press conference this way…” Please, shut your mouth.

Now, my thoughts on his words summarized: “Bull Shit”.

The “Forgive me, I am a _____ addict” card is so over played. Was his behavior despicable? Certainly. Were these women trashy? Absolutely. Was he ever driving around seedy Cuban neighborhoods picking up hookers 15 at a time and banging them behind dumpsters? No. He was carrying on relationships cross country in a premeditated manner. Everything Tiger did was planned and constructed. He’s a sleaze, no doubt, but an addict i think not.

Taking a lesson from that great volume of American morality: thurgood (NSFW-audio)

I mean what’s the craziest thing Tiger did? Got a hotel room in a 3 star hotel as opposed to 4 star in order to cut down on the amount of paparazzo around? Sorry, not going to cut it. But of course, if you are celebrity, and you do something wrong, you must say you were predisposed to committing said atrocities. This accomplishes 2 things: 1. It makes you seem like you have some sort of medical condition, and giving you shit would be like giving someone with lung cancer grief, even though they’ve been smoking for 75+ years. 2. More importantly, it sets a prescribed routine to go through to be “clean”. Oh, it’s ok, he’s going to go through that car wash rehab center and come out squeaky fresh. Man, celebrity rehab centers, what a good racket that is. Doubting some one after they do time at rehab is taboo, like doubting some one’s toughness after they served a few duties on the front lines of war.

“I think that fool is still a fiend for the stripper ‘tang”

“YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE HAS BEEN THROUGH???? A REHAB CENTER-IN MISSISSIPPI!!!! ONLY SOME OF THE MOVIE CHANNELS, AND NO PLAYBOY CHANNEL. YOU HEAR ME? NO PLAYBOY. YOU SIR, SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.”

So yea, this all a bunch of crap. While i believe that Tiger is sincerely upset, he’s no addict, and he needs to realize that the only thing that any one, including himself, really cares about is that he goes out and wins tournaments. As I said in my previous post about the man, the second richest athlete ever, MJ, was a notorious cheater. It didn’t matter because he kept his private life private, put on the ballinest suits ever and never stopped winning.

Half time. Dolph does ______

Random thoughts:

-I just realized every running route I’ve ever done regularly has been counter clockwise. Shoot, even when I’m in a new place, on vacation or something, and I only have a small understanding of the area, I begin my journey by heading towards the rightmost extent of my mental map and making a swath back across until I reach the leftmost extent before returning. I find this most disturbing. How did this happen? I didn’t even run track (My physical development resembled that of a chubby baby deer until the age of 19). How many things do I unknowingly do this consistently. Have I been putting on my right sock first every day for my whole life???? AHHHH!

-None of my facebook friends prayed for (advertised praying for) Chileans…

-UT Basketball continues to wow with their impotence. Has any team ever been #1 so late (Jan. 18), only to be unranked by tournament time? They are somehow still #25, but will surely blow it against Baylor this Saturday, and won’t win more than 1 game in the conference tournament. Rick Barnes is terrible. Think about this way: When UT was winning, it was winning with intangibles; great rebounding both directions, incredibly high-energy-defense, and a mean transition game. When conference games arrived and it was time to run half court sets, you know “offense”, things one might learn in “practice”, well, we were fucked. Damien James is usually the best player on the court and one of the most lethal players in the country when he receives the ball in the 10-18 foot range. We are talking about a lottery pick here. Watch a game. How often  does he receive the ball inside the arc? How often does our offense set screens for him without the ball? With the ball? UT has had NBA caliber players the past 8 years. It’s time to stop this middle school offense (kick the ball in the post, hope the entire defense collapses, nobody move) we are running and run something one might learn from watching real film. Barnes did a great job getting UT ball on its feet. He talked TJ Ford into staying in state, brainstormed ways to get more students to the games, but he has proven he can’t coach.

-Many huge establishments made up of and supported by the most conservative individuals in our society are socialist entities. The most blatant example: The military, which gets more money from the taxpayers than any other branch of the government (after discretionary spending is factored in). It is made up of people who claim to hate and fear socialism, and is wholeheartedly supported by those who stake that claim with even greater ferocity. I support our military as well (love you Guz and Koller), but I am not in denial of what it is or where the money comes from. Even religion, the driving force of the most socially conservative movements around, is supported by people who show up and tithe (aka God tax). If God were a true conservative, He’d get out there and earn his own living, not come begging for my hard earned dollar each week. SHOW SOME INITIATIVE GOD. IT’S THE AMERICAN WAY! All of this occurred to me when I was discussing the views of the people in my new office with my carpool partner/boss. I love my new job, but if most of the people here had their way, there wouldn’t be so many gosh dern taxes, and republicans would fill every seat. BTW, I work for the City of Austin in the Parks Planning department. So if most of my coworkers had their way, they’d be unemployed. AHHHHH!!!!

While we are on the subject of not making sense…watch the whole thing, the last minute makes it worth it 1,000,000x.

Aboot a year ago I wrote some musings about time travel and its implications here.

I like what I wrote there, and I stand by it, as much as it is possible to stand by such nonsense. Last night during Outstanding Vessel XLIV  some friends and I had a funny thought:  The only group who have yet to harness the power of time travel is the NFL. It guards this secret closely and uses it only for the judging of too-close-to-call plays.

How I imagine this would work is thus:  Close play occurs, refs talk it over. if the play is under review, the head ref goes to his enclosed “camera booth” and pinpoints the location to have been standing to know definitively the outcome of the play. Once the location is determined, he is transported back in time to that exact spot, and carefully re-witnesses the play. Upon its conclusion he is automatically transported back to the booth in live time and emerges with the correct call. Everybody back home is happy.

However, the dimension that he just visited is immediately thrust into chaos. Millions of Americans who just witnessed a man appear and disappear on the football field are questioning their existence and calling their congressperson. In order to protect their secret, the NFL installed self destruct mechanisms on not only the time travel equipment but within everyone who knows about the system. Tiny capsules attached to the aortas of the ceos and all the referees of the league release a toxin that administers death immediately, painlessly, and in a manner that will resemble the heart attack that they were all slated to perish from anyways. The time travel equipment explodes in fiery booms of plutonium and flux capacitance.  The world, or should i say, A world is thrust into a disastrous spiral, likely ending in cannibalism and bad attitudes.

But at least we got the call right.

In honor of my final day of work here in New Braunfels, a poem:

Your townies are sad

Your fake German culture is ‘wurst

Schlitterbahn sucks brat’

Forgive me if I forget to notice passing exits 184-187 for the rest of my life.

Mixtape

I made a “Best of” mixtape for the year ending 2009! You should download it and listen to it while you read about a whole bunch of depressing shit below…..or just download it and listen to it.

I’d be lying if I said I stayed hip to all these songs as they were released. I basically downloaded the best of lists from several prominent blogs, and filtered out what I enjoyed the most until I cracked the soon to be trivial 80 minute mark. YOU SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU?

I thought it needed color....

The Wire

I finished watching the final episode of the Wire last night at 2:30am. Like Peter, I can say with confidence that it is the best show I’ve ever seen.

In the criminal justice system, television shows are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the shit, which is all over every channel; and the good stuff,  of which there is very little and usually reserved for HBO.  The Wire is one of these latter stories.

US Politics

The past 2 years, I have taken it upon myself to become a grown up and really get to know the issues and what we are doing about them. Worst fucking idea I’ve ever had. In this case, without a doubt, ignorance is bliss.

Every republican has fought tooth and nail to oppose just about everything (the healthcare bill being the big one) Obama proposes and puts towards congress. Obama attempts compromise and working with both parties. Now at the year anniversary of Obama’s tenure in office, all the conservative mouth pieces say things like, “compromises too easily” and “is a failure for not getting the health care bill through”. Say what? You won’t unlock the door, and your dogging the guy for knocking? Eat shit and die. And for Fox News where every one says, “He really hasn’t done anything in the last year” or “He lied on every promise” Just because you don’t report it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Check it. Wow, that’s a lot of promises kept and compromises, and this from a generally conservative newspaper! Also, ask yourself how many of the “Stalled” and “Promise Broken” are due to direct republican opposition (ie. the health care bill) and reversal of plans due to the recovery plan (ie. anything with the words “wall street”), respectively.

Also, quick note to Scott Brown (who drives a truck, and was also elected to fill the seat left by Ted Kennedy): The reason a lot of your new constituents don’t want universal health care for the whole country is because every jackass in the state of Massachusetts already has universal health care, but thanks for thinking about the rest of us Massholes! That’s right, Massachusetts provides its citizens with Health Care. What a novel idea!

Haiti and Paul Shirley

Sad, sad stuff. As usual the Big Picture brings it right to your face. 1, 2, 3, 4.

Now the days after this happened my facebook was blowing up with stuff about Haiti, most of it being stuff like: “Praying so hard for Haiti right now” “Haiti needs our prayers y’all”. I find statements like this frustrating.

So there’s God, and he knows Haiti is about to get ripped up. Is He sitting there with his hand on the cancel button waiting for some prayers to come through? “Well ok, no prayers for Haiti today, guess they gonna die”. But afterwards all the prayers come, and God’s like, “Whoa whoa, my bad, it’s aight tho, I’m hella merciful, I’ll go ahead and keep that death toll down to a paltry 200,000. You guys shoulda prayed yesterday, I woulda just fucked up Jakarta instead.”

Also, why do people feel the need to post that? Are they letting God know that they are praying. IS GOD ON FACEBOOK? I think the more likely reason is people are trying to project an image of being a thoughtful and caring person. We are all real impressed.

What kind of God would operate this way? Is He really basing his decisions upon the prayers of wealthy white people 1000s of miles away, completely irrelevant to the problem (that He knew was going to happen)? “Well the cries of that poor woman with the house collapsed on her torso were touching, but the prayers over at MegaChurchalot 9 in Highland Park really pushed me over the edge, I’ll allow 15 more mothers to survive. These old people can have some crackers too.”

Or how about this one? “My dad and I are going down there as soon as we can”. Oh yea, that’s what they need. A couple of chunky suburbanites slathering on sun screen and getting tetanus shots every 2 days. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FATTY? INSTALL A SEWER SYSTEM FOR THE CITY OF PORT AU PRINCE? No you can’t do that, but I bet you can take 1,000 pictures of yourself smiling with starving infants.

Ok, so now that you and God hate me, let’s find someone we can all hate together.  Paul Shirley. At one time my friend Kiran and I really liked this guy. He was a perpetual 14th-15th man in the NBA who blogged about life on the road with the best players in the world. Even though we were not much closer to his skill level and physical gifts than to LeBron’s, his forced humility and easy writing style made him accessible for guys like us.

His accessibility began to wane as soon as he gave up on the NBA. I guess he had nothing better to do than whine about music, and he did so endlessly. Mostly on the topic of Beatles or Radiohead vs. Oasis. Basically he would gobble-gallagher-gonads. Never trust anyone who thinks Oasis is better than the Beatles. You are allowed to be just skeptical of those who prefer them to Radiohead, but keep a watchful eye. Also, the guy gave a recap of his ACL experience this past year, and went to bed alone with no friends at 11pm on his first ever visit to Austin. Really? No desire whatsoever to go out and meet the 500k young people dropped in here? You made $750k a year for like 6 years! You can rule these streets!

So I was pretty much done with him after all that….then he wrote this.

Dear Haitians –

First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded.

As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation offlimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?

Sincerely,

The Rest of the World

Wow. What a piece of garbage. It’s like he has no grasp of history.

20 years ago, did all the people in the world sit down to play a game called “Earth”, and all the Haitians were like, “Let’s go here and make it real shitty!!”???? No ass hammer, that is not what happened.

The reason why it’s our responsibility, Paul Shirley, is because WE made them this way. Our forefathers, in the process of making our country real rich and awesome (which you had nothing to do with) started a slave trade and dumped tons of poor captured Africans in the middle of a foreign sea. Then when colonialism was waning, the slaves killed nearly all the white people, because well, wouldn’t you? Then somehow through some twisted diplomacy, the French convinced the Haitians to give them all their money. Then the United States (yes, your bad ass USA, with its building codes, indoor plumbing and prophylactics) took over before WW1 because we were afraid the Germans would camp out there. We actually did a decent job until our irrational fear of communism (see: Iraq, Vietnam, Afghanistan, etc.) caused us to support some terrible homicidal maniacs to run the place. They haven’t recovered since.

Paul Shirley, I hope you get stuck in an elevator and starve to death while a maddening recorder and bongo version of “Hey Jude” is stuck on repeat in the elevator’s muzak system.

WSM?

I’m sure this is exactly the serious crap our buddy Brian is looking to get advertised in….but WhoShotMamba? is almost over, and I haven’t posted a link in a while. Here are the two most recent chapters:

Chapter 8

Chapter 9 – the SportsCentury feel this one has cracks me up

delicious and deadly

Hello there chilluns. It’s been two weeks. I have been in bed for two weeks mulling over the National Championship game. I would still be there, but the artificial cheese dust from the puffy cheetohs i was subsisting on had begun to cause an allergic reaction with my retinas (wiping tears from one’s eyes and eating artificial cheese powder products are a dangerous combo – tell your family).

I was on my way to the store to purchase more artificial cow inhalants when i noticed everyone wouldn’t stop talking about the big new super crazy NBA story; ANDREI KIRILENKO HAS STOPPED USING HAIRGEL. I was so befuddled that I accidently bought real cheese! GROSS!

Andrei Kirilenko, or AK-47 as his parents call him, is widely regarded as the best looking professional basketball player on the planet.  He is so good looking, people used to tell him he looked just like me. When informed of this, he’d usually say, “The cheese puff kid? Awesomeski!”   Well 2,345,876 cheese balls, 50 pounds and a whole lot of root beer has defeated our doppelganger qualities, however, I still hold a special place for him in my CDL (cheesy deliciousness lipoprotein) cholesterol encrusted heart.

Much of his charm was based on his razor sharp bangs pointed skyward, unwaveringly supported by some potion of the gods.  This is where his nickname AK-47 actually originated, not from his initials and his jersey number of 47 (dummies), but because the hair shading his forehead was as deadly to human flesh as a moderately priced machine gun. Now he has abandoned this potion??? I was concerned to say the least.

Through a variety of means of internet sleuthing I have uncovered the truth about AK’s unfortunate de-gelification.

Hair fully extended Andrei makes yet another shot

The gel that Andrei used was called Skarutsuk Nahmber Sehventee Tooh.  SN-72 was made atop a volcano at the southern tip of Kamchatka, and unlike the territory from the popular board game Risk, it is NOT easily acquired.  The factory is a relic from the cold war. The commanders wanted a grooming product that could withstand a nuclear attack and emerge from nuclear winter standing high and proud against the tyranny of capitalism.  After 71 tries they almost gave up, then in the winter of 1971 (a particularly harsh one) with Nuclear War seemingly right around the corner, whales began to wash ashore near the secret salon volcano laboratory. A frustrated scientist cut off some whale meat to make a whale and moss sandwich (acquired taste, but delicious) and brought it back to the SSVL. In his careless gluttony, a piece of his whalewich dropped into a beaker of trial gel, known as SN-72.  No one had noticed this late addition to the hair care blend, but when they applied it to the head of the next science slave, fresh from the gulag, it was clear that something powerful and strange was afoot. The slave burst from his chains and leaped towards the door. Luckily the bears keeping guard caught him before the traitorous fool could run off to the Americans with the secret,  and he was promptly tossed into the volcano for his crimes. His body melted, but his hair, his hair remained.  It took only a short while before the final ingredient was discovered to be whale. THE RUSSIANS HAD WON THE FASHION RACE.

AK woefully explains how he manages to go on living

For many years, the toughest and noblest comrades of the United Soviet Socialist Republic proudly donned a gleaming mat of super stiff hair. The rest of the world’s men were no match for these few who had traveled to that frightening peninsula. Even after the fall of communism their overall domination of other dudes was deemed the one true success of the great red experiment. That was until this past September when Skarutsuk secret salon volcano laboratory made it’s last canister.

Why would such an intimidating and formidable grooming ointment ever stop being produced you ask? Two words.

Whale Wars.

That’s right, crappy reality television has shit all over something else beautiful. Upright, Proud, invincible Aryan hair has  fallen victim to the trend of sissy environmentalists and worthless animal rights advocates. We must band together and stop this nonsense. For Andrei, and vicariously, me.

"If I can change, and he can change, then we can stop watching crappy TV"

The Mystery Midget is Going Down

Soon the talk of who is better will give way to the actual on-field results.  And though the talk has been incessant, we figured you kids might want just a bit more perspective on the Championship match-up between the Horns and the Crimson Tide.  Today we break down the individual unit match-ups.

SEC v. Big 12

Peter: Growing up in SEC country, I was supplied with a steady dose of just how great everything SEC was.   These sorts of gauges are tricky so a lot of it went in one ear and out the other. Though the conference records are damn close to equal this year, the SEC is up 2-0 on the Big 12 in head-to-head games.  That has to give one pause when looking at this particular game.

Bjorn: This was a terrible year for this comparison, OU had their least relevant year since I started watching college football, Texas Tech went back in the closet (or storage shed, whatever), and Oklahoma State starts the year by losing their best player to neon deion and losing their title hopes to the Houston Cougars. Meanwhile in the SEC things were pretty potent. Georgia, Arkansas, LSU, and Tennessee are 4 teams, while excruciatingly manic, who could match up with anyone at home. Also, after seeing the rest of the bowl games played out, Florida is the clear and present 3rd best team. It was the SEC’s year.

McCoy v. McElroy

Peter: I know this McElroy cat hasn’t lost a game as a starter, but that says as much about the team that surround him than it does him personally.  Forgive the subtly, but I’m saying that I’d take Colt every day of the week before McElroy.  (Excuse me while I channel some ESPN chaunch analyst like Mark May) Colt’s a gamer. He finds ways to win whether it’s with his legs or his arms.  He might not be the biggest cat out there. He might not have the strongest arm, but he takes care of business when he has to.  I think Texas has a large advantage here.

Bjorn: Yea, no one except the most hard core charmin fan would claim there is even a comparison. I have utmost respect for QBs who learn to not make mistakes and let their great teams win, as that is precisely what Bama asks from him. Like Vince Young before him, if the Longhorns want it, they need Colt to go out and get it. Let’s hope he does his best billy madison: “Oh I can, and I will”

Ingram & Co v. Newton & Co

Peter: As much as I love the Longhorns, Alabama clearly has the edge here.  It might not turn out that way on the field, but it’s the plain facts.  Ingram almost matched the Horns rushing output himself this year.  When you figure in Richardson and Upchurch, both quality backs, the total yardage separation between the teams gets a bit ugly.

Bjorn: Ingram is a beast behind a quality run blocking line. Texas – pass:run::4:1. It’s not really even a comparison. Until greg davis goes bye bye, or until we get another freak (VY) that forces his stupid hand to use the option, pretty much every team we meet in a big bowl will have a better running game than us.

Jones & Co v. Shipley & Co

Snatching Balls

Peter: Other than the defensive prowess of each squad, I don’t know of a more evenly matched unit breakdown.  To be certain, the make-up of the particular sides are vastly different, but each productive in their own ways.  Jones is a man beast with great size, speed, and hands.  He is going to be a very tough man to defend.  What I think gives Texas the edge is the receiving depth.  Sure, there is a great fall off in yardage/production when you get past Shipley, but it is thickly spread throughout several reliable receivers.

Bjorn: Julius Jones is a top 5 WR in College football, and Peek is a giant man with soft hands, but after that their corp isn’t much to speak of. Texas goes 5 deep on speedy 6’2 – 6’4 guys who are testaments to precision route running and hella YAC.

Offensive Line

Peter: After watching Texas struggle against Nebraska, there really can’t be an argument that they are better off in this department than Alabama.  If anything worries me about this game, it’s how they respond after getting consistently chewed up by Nebraska.

Bjorn: This game is going to be won at the line, especially the Texas offensive line. Their showing against Nebraska was pitiful. I hope they hand bathed Colt in olive oil after that pathetic display, because they were just bad. Alabama by a country mile.

Defensive Line

Peter: This is a tough one.  They are both highly talented units.  Call me a homer, but I think Texas is better off, even with the presence of Mt. Cody on the Bama line.  While this was one of our biggest question marks entering the season, I think the line has turned into one of our biggest strengths.  Time and again they have shown that they are just plain better (praise  be to Muschamp) than their opponents.

Bjorn: The Alabama defensive line is over rated. I wish I could say this led me to be confident in our ability to hold them, but see point above. Skill and speed wise, Texas advantage, but again the Kindle and Co. are facing a faster and more skilled Bama O-line.  Should be interesting to see who of these 4 units over achieves.

Let's put a smile on these faces, boys

Linebackers

Peter: There is one man that makes the difference in this comparison and it’s Rolando McClain.  He (along w/Javier Arenas) officially scare the bejeezus out of me.  McClain is definitely the most talented player on the Tide and can really cause some headaches.  Let’s hope that Greg Davis figures out a way to neutralize his presence.  Otherwise it will be a long game for the Horns.

Bjorn: I agree 100%. Texas is solid in this department, but no standout play makers. McClain is so fast for his size, it doesn’t make sense. He could play any position on the defense.

Defensive Backs

Peter: Even with the very adept Arenas in Alabama’s defensive backfield, Texas definitely has the advantage here.  Tossed into the fire as youngsters last year, the unit has responded admirably.  They lead the nation in interceptions and should have plenty of opportunities to shine come Thursday night.

Bjorn: This matchup mirrors that of the receivers, while Arenas may be the brightest NFL prospect, Texas has too many guys with too much speed. I look for them to completely remove the Alabama passing game.

Special Teams

Peter: I’ll call this one a draw. Both teams have very accurate kickers and solid return games.  What may set Texas apart slightly is their ability to pressure punts.  Very few teams have been as successful at this as Texas and it very well could be a difference maker in this game.

Bjorn: You have to give props to a team (dude) who blocked 2 fgs in one game. That was amazing. Our return game has played a role in the big games the past 2 years, and Peter mentioned our punt pressure. The horn’s kickoff coverage needs to be better than it was against aTm, but unless there are FGs and fumbles, I don’t see this aspect being a deciding factor.

Seriously, who is this guy?

Summation and Prediction

Peter: I’ve been saying it for weeks, but I like Texas in this game.  I was relieved when Alabama beat Florida.  In my opinion, Texas matches up better against the Tide than they would have Florida.  There are a few reasons why, but first among them is Will Muschamp.  For those that read Sports Illustrated, you probably saw that Austin Murphy has already made this argument in favor of Texas.  And though he beat me to the print punch, I’ve been making the argument for weeks now.  Muschamp eats vanilla offensive schemes for lunch…and it simply doesn’t get more vanilla than Bama.  They rely on a power run game and occasionally take deeper shots down field (hence Bama’s low yardage total in passing/receiving, but the high yards-per-reception number for most receivers).  Nothing plays into Muschamp’s hands better.  I think he’ll focus on stopping the run and forcing the often shaky McElroy to make plays.  With an equally adept defense on the other end, there is a high probability that it won’t  be a pretty game, but I think Texas will get by with a victory.  If there is one think I’ve learned as a rabid college football fan, it’s never trust the status-quo.  Every one can’t seem to stop talking about how Alabama will win.  This talk seems largely based on how Texas looked in the Nebraska game.  Everything is what have you done for me lately.  The focus is not on how much Bama struggled against Tennessee or Auburn even, but how much they dominated Florida.  As a Longhorn fan, I’m glad the Nebraska game was close.  I like coming in as an underdog.  If I were a Bama fan and heard everyone talking about how/why the Tide would win, I’d be scared.

Bjorn: The UT defense is strongest when opponents run it through the gaps, and when they throw it over the top. It is weakest when the QB is rolling and hitting horizontally cutting receivers. Alabama does all of the former none of the latter. No one in the SEC plays Texas’ style of offense, however a great pass will give the Bama defensive backfield the help it needs. I believe the Alabama offense will struggle for 200 total yards against a defense that (as Peter stated) salivates at their ideals. Period. I would believe the Texas offense sputtering for the same amount, or exploding for 500+. It all depends on UT’s offensive line. If their trial by fire against Demon Suh and his minions toughened them up, Texas by a couple of touchdowns. If once again colt gets sewn into the soil like the manure of his namesake, Texas by a FG. Either way, HOOK EM!